(Pictured above: The glowing bottle that gives men women's swimsuits.)So, I continued down the red carpet that lay out upon the grassy knoll, lighten up by more glowing bottles of Coca-Cola, as if they were trying to burn their products image into your brain.. Then when I reach the bottom of the hill I found an outdoor dance club full of Polar bears! Alright, I admit that's pretty awesome.. A bunch of polar bears shaking what their mama gave them is always funny. I slipped the bear at the door a $20 and was allowed in.. But soon I realized I was rather unwelcome, the music stopped.. All the polar bears slowly started walking towards my avatar, drooling with a hungry look in their eyes.. I was surrounded! I looked for a way to escape, the way I came in was now gated closed! Suddenly a flash of red light shot down from the sky, It was like something out of the X-Files. I ran as fast as I could towards the light, dodging the wilder-beasts. Once I reached the light everything went black, for I was unconscious.
(Pictured above: The dance club of hungry wilder-beasts)When I awoke, I realized I was aboard a vessel of the likes I've never seen in my life. Slowly I stood upon my feet to realize I was among other Gaians who probably just escaped from the same-type of dastardly situation. I approached the captain of the ship, his name was Clarence. He was a man of few words.. All of which where about Coca-Cola.. I tried to ask him how to return home, all he said was something about enjoying Coke and other Coca-Cola products. Realizing that Clarence was a fool, I became angered and rushed towards the nearest door in hopes of finding my way home.
(Pictured above: The Idiot Captain Clarence and other Gaians looking for a way home.)Upon onpening the door a blinding light shined, I stepped forward and somehow was instantaneously transported to another unfamiliar hill.. but this time it was covered it freezing ice and several feet of snow.. It was as if Odin cast me into the freezing realm of Jotunheimr, land of the frost giants. Loosing my footing I soon slipped down the treacherous slope, when this happened I remember the wisdom of my great grandma "When you start to slip upon ice do an Irish jig!" So with all my might I danced! I kept dancing until I reached the foot of the hill, only to find another beam of red light, which returned my to the spacecraft of the foolish captain Clarence. I made a b-line to next door in hopes of finding a way to return home before dinner.
(Survival Note: Who needs ice skates when you can dance like a leprechaun?)The next door led me to vacation spot for intergalactic vampire space pirates, a tubing resort! Everyone knows how much vampire space pirates love to just kick back, relax and spend hours tube down lazy rivers in their high-class space cruisers. The sunlight was artificial and it appeared as if the clouds in the sky where holograms, It was quite amazing. What first felt to be an outdoor river wound up being an indoor simulation of nature. I grabbed a tube with the attributes of a giraffe since it's known to be a menacingly tall creature that no one would dare approach. I plopped into the river and down I slowly traveled the vampire-constructed rivers. At one point I was thirsty and decided to taste some of the water, It tasted exactly like Ice Blue Raspberry Lemonade Kool-Aid, It was delicious! Even though this place was very relaxing my stomach growled, and just as it did I saw another red light beam down from the tall ceiling of the gigantic room. I doggy-paddled ahead, leaving my giraffe to spend an eternity on the lazy rivers.
(Pictured above: Giraffe on the Kool-Aid flavored river)Once again I arrived on the spaceship, I can't think straight because all I want to do is eat dinner, We are going to have Mom's famous Pop-tart stuffed Alligator suprise.. My mouth waters just at the thought of such a meal. The thought of food motivates me to dash towards the next doorway. Inside I find another portal to a realm unknown. This time I was transported to a place of pure silence.. Not a soul around and all that lay before me was a simple dirt path. I began to walk casually.. But then I started to hear several voices echoing from above all speaking in different languages, One of them was in English, It repeatedly spoke "Happy Holidays! Buy Coca-Cola! Happy Holidays! Buy Coca-Cola! Happy Holidays! Buy Coca-Cola!...." It went on and on.. all the voices became louder and louder. I ran down the dirt path as fast I could trying to escape from the voices before I went entirely mad from the brainwashing. After a solid 2-minutes of running I finally saw the red light beam down from the sky, Never before was I so relieved to see that light.
(Survival Note When forced into a room with voices trying to brain-wash you, find inner-peace. Think of kittens!)I arrived back on the ship, I was growing tired of this nightmare, I had to find the way out.. Finally there stood only one last door unexplored.. With what energy I had left I entered. This warp entered me into what felt like the North Pole. Snow fell from the sky and all that I could see around me was a world covered in white. I walked forward for it was all I could do. Suddenly from underneath me a Giant polar bear emerged from underneath the snow and to my surprise grabbed me. "GOTCHA! Hyahahahah!" The Polar bear laughed out. "Release me you foul beast! I must make my way to dinner. I am already late as it is!" I exclaimed. "I will let you go, under one condition. You must buy a case of Coca-Cola for everyone you know for the holidays. If you fail to agree with my terms I shall eat you!" The polar bear threatened. Realizing I had little choice in the matter I was about submit, but then like a gift from the gods of flatulence I let loose a fart for the ages! "Phffffff!!!" The polar bear was knocked out stone cold from the mighty gas. I was victorious!
(Survival Note: When a Polar Bear sneak attacks you, fart in it's general direction!)A few more minutes of walking I found my way to the ship that headed home. I climbed aboard and was back just in-time for the Pop-tart stuffed Alligator surprise. Gwahahah!
